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00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:27,040
Good evening, it's good to be back with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.

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00:00:27,140 --> 00:00:30,260
And in a packed programme tonight, we
shall be going over live to Victoria

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00:00:30,260 --> 00:00:33,900
Station, where the world's thinnest man
is taking his bride, the world's

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00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:35,240
thinnest woman, off on honeymoon.

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They're looking forward to a rattling
good time.

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00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,200
But first, first the news.

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Published in Dublin today were the
results of the Irish government's

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on the clothes chop.

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00:00:47,260 --> 00:00:49,660
99 % voted for Wednesday afternoons.

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The Pidderminster man who today squirted
cavity wall foam up a policeman's

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trousers will appear in court tomorrow
charged with insulating behaviour.

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00:01:06,550 --> 00:01:12,370
Good Housekeeping magazine today named
Elizabeth Taylor Good Housekeeper of the

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Year. She's been divorced five times and
always kept the house.

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A Republican in Islington today sacked
all his topless barmaids for dipping

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the tilt.

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A sad day today at Lord George
Davidson's circus when Arthur Yallop,

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fly, committed insecticide.

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A large audience attended the world
premiere of a symphony written by two

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newlyweds. It starts with a roll on the
drums, continues with a squeeze on the

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harmonium, and builds up to a big finish
on the linoleum.

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A now sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie Barker
as a nudist who can't add up and has to

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count on his friends.

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I ought to be sorry, ladies and
gentlemen, about my brother.

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He's quite all right, really. It's just
he keeps taking so many pills and they

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keep affecting him in different ways.

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All right, now, shh, shh, shh.

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Come on, come on. Yes, have a number
seven. Nice number seven.

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Is everybody happy?

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I'm awfully sorry about this. I think it
was that half of lager. Could you take

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that glass away from him, John? Thank
you.

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Shouldn't you take him home? No, no, no,
no. He's enjoying himself. Look, he's

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like... Sit him over here. Anyway, we
don't get invited to many parties. You

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know, I don't know why.

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I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'll
give him a number eight. That never

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fails. There we are. Oh, no, that's a
number seven. Here we are. Here's a

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eight. Come on. Open up. Nice number
eight.

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Come on. And there we go.

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What? Oh.

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Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's all right.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spoil you.

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I'm sorry. Did I raise my voice? I'm
awfully sorry. I'm awfully sorry. Did I?

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Oh, this must be your lovely wife, is
it?

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Isn't she beautiful?

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Oh, dear.

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Oh, I've given him an eight after a
five. That always makes him a bit...

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Oh, dear. I'm awfully sorry.

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You must be Reg's wife, Genevieve, are
you?

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It's been so long.

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Aye, aye, aye. Come, come.

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Aye, aye, aye. Come.

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Aye, aye, aye.

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Hello, are you speaking?

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I'm going to end it all. No, no. End it?
You must. You'll kill yourself. No, no.

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I'm going to stop.

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No, no. Not other people's. Other
people's. Drown myself.

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You can't drown yourself. There's no
water. Yes, there is. What? Oh.

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I've got some brand new ones here.
Number 11. I'll give him a number 11.

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me! No, don't do that. It's not an 11.

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It's a 7 -iron. That'll kill him.

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Of course it isn't.

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Come on out, little tranquilizer. Come
along.

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Would you hold that, Jeff, please? Oh,
I'm sorry. Come on, little tranquilizer.

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There, you can chew that one.

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There.

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There. You see?

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Oh, yes, that's working. He's gone very
tranquil. Oh, lovely. Dr. Dawless will

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be here in a minute. I don't think we
can wait for Dr. Dawless. No, I think I

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ought to take him away before he spoils
people's evenings.

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Yes, come along. I'll just take him.
There we go.

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Oh, he's also tranquil. Look at that.

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Whoa, just a minute.

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I'll just give him a revitalizer.

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Yes, just one for the road. Come along.

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There's a good lad. One for the road.

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There's a good boy.

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I'll say goodnight to everyone, will
you? Goodnight, everyone.

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That's it. Thank you very much for
loving me.

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Must do it again sometime. Goodnight.

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Goodnight. Goodnight, Jeff.

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And may I just say, how do you fancy a
bunch of flies?

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My name is Spooner.

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Spock to do now.

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I was, uh, I was passing the punt of
your shop, and I thought I would book in

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for a look. Look in for a book.

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You must forgive me. I sometimes get one
word nuzzled up with a mother.

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I'm frequently made of laughing frock.

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Oh, yes, Dr.

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Spooner, of course.

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You're most welcome, sir.

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00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,360
Now, which book did you require?

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00:05:42,780 --> 00:05:44,740
Well, how about The Complete Shirks of
Wakespeare?

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Or perhaps a book of poetry by Kelly or
Sheets?

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low on poetry at the moment. Oh, Peter
Wattie. I mean, Potter.

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He was to be a crescent for my pud lady.

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Your pud lady, sir? Yes, my wife, the
dear thing.

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Ah, if it is for a lady, perhaps
something fairly easy to read.

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00:06:04,450 --> 00:06:06,750
Not too taxing for the female brain.

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00:06:07,050 --> 00:06:11,070
Ah, on the contrary, nothing too simple.
Oh, no, no, no, no. My wife is a bright

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little reader.

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A romantic novel, then. Well,
romantic...

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Ah, yes, the vicar of Wakefield,
providing it doesn't arouse her animal

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instincts. You see, she is very fond of
red beading.

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Beading in red, that is.

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And last month I bought her Wuthering
Heights, and when I got home that night,

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she was kneading it in the rood.

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So I don't wish to encourage her to leap
out of her vicars for the knicker of

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Wakefield.

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Quite. Quite.

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Now, let me see, what about chickens?

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Pardon? Dahl's Chickens.

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Which, in my opinion, one of our most
nipping grovelists.

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Something like David Kipperfield or
Knockerless Nickleby.

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Ah, I know. What is the one about the
lady with the large chest who advertises

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it for sale in the local newspaper?

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By Dickens. Yes, by Dickens. You must
know it. Yes, yes.

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Oh, of course, The Tale of Two Cities.

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I'm afraid not, sir. We could all...
book for you. No, no, that won't do. No,

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must have it at once. You see, my wife
has gone to the seaside at Wigan, and

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comes back tomorrow, and I wanted to
give her the wook when she got sea from

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backside at Wigan.

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I mean, I wanted to give her the whack
when she got big from the wee side. I

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wanted the book for the whack on the
backside.

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I wanted to give her the Wigan.

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Do you understand me?

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Absolutely. Oh, thank you very much.
Perhaps I should have a book for myself.

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Now, what have you to offer me?

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A charm from your obvious parts.

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Apart from your obvious charms.

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Well, it is rather difficult without
knowing your taste.

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Perhaps something of an instructional
nature. A textbook.

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Ah, now one of my gobbies is hardening.

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You need a copy of the complete...

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No, no, no, no. Gardening, my dear,
gardening. Oh, I love my garden. When

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shun is signing and the twirds are
bittering, how wonderful it is to rip

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pick a few noses.

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Perhaps a book on flowers?

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Familiar wild flowers, from stinkwort to
periwinkle. No, no, no, not wild

137
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flowers. No, no, no. No, there is no
room in my garden for periwort or

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stinkwinkle. No, no, no, no. They must
be cultivated flowers. They must be

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tupins or lulips, cocksclubs and
farnesians.

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Sweet peas, poo -bells and little net
got me forth.

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Do you have a gouse with a harden?

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No, I live in furnished rooms.

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Ah, well, then you must come and see my
garden. Oh, yes, and if you like it, I

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will gladly give you the goose of it.

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Why not pop round tomorrow for key and
trumpets?

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I would love to.

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Good, then let's sunsetter at Kittle,
shall we? Goodbye.

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I fear we still haven't found you
anything to read.

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Ah, don't worry. If it hadn't been
roaring with pain outside, I wouldn't

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bummed in for a cook in the first place.

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Iggy Malone and Charlie Farley,
investigating the Yokels murders in the

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of Devonshire, have built up an alarming
list of suspects.

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Lucy Lee, the gypsy girl, who seemed on
the point of revealing everything, and

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indeed had already revealed quite a lot.

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Farmer Green, an old man who had a small
holding.

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And his wife, who had a large holding.

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An ugly -looking villain who had leapt
up from a coffin and disappeared into

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night. And finally, Lady Bulstrode, lady
of the manor, who kept herself to

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herself, drank a bottle of scotch a day
and pickled her own onion.

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Our two bewildered heroes decided to
keep a close watch on the churchyard.

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I soon relate that someone's bound to
turn up at the church.

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No one will spot us up here, will they?
Well, even if they do, it doesn't

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matter. They'll never recognise us.

164
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We just look like a couple of, you know,
hikers.

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On pleasure bent.

166
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Yeah, we certainly look bent all right.

167
00:10:30,580 --> 00:10:31,840
Do I have to wear this hat?

168
00:10:32,380 --> 00:10:33,720
Look, you must keep the sun off.

169
00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:37,440
Besides, the colour of your moustache
doesn't match the colour of your hair.

170
00:10:37,940 --> 00:10:39,660
Why can't I have a grey moustache?

171
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,140
Of course, that's a Hitler moustache.
Hitler didn't have a grey moustache.

172
00:10:46,569 --> 00:10:48,490
Well, people will know I'm not Hitler,
won't they?

173
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,430
Well, if you don't take your hat off,
they won't.

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00:11:00,930 --> 00:11:01,970
Secluded up here, isn't it?

175
00:11:03,110 --> 00:11:06,950
Yeah. Just us, really, and these two
people camping on the hill. Yeah.

176
00:11:09,350 --> 00:11:12,050
I wonder why they've got the tent.

177
00:11:12,270 --> 00:11:13,550
perched on the side of the island.

178
00:11:13,930 --> 00:11:15,930
Well, it's well known, isn't it, when
you go camping?

179
00:11:16,490 --> 00:11:18,490
You do try to arrange to have it on the
side.

180
00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:22,330
Well, yes, in case it rains, then the
water all runs away.

181
00:11:24,170 --> 00:11:30,850
Wonderful view up here.

182
00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:32,790
Yes, isn't it?

183
00:11:35,930 --> 00:11:37,550
Blimey, I thought my trousers were
tight.

184
00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:55,640
Look out, Chief, there's someone coming
out of the church.

185
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,260
It's a district nurse, Chief.

186
00:11:59,580 --> 00:12:00,580
District nurse?

187
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,120
What's she doing at the church?

188
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,960
Don't know. There's not much needs
curing up there, apart from the

189
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,260
Perhaps she's been cutting the vicar's
corns ready for the harvest festival.

190
00:12:13,180 --> 00:12:17,580
There she goes, off to torture some poor
old -age penchant.

191
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:19,940
Just a minute. Do you see what I see?

192
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:22,640
Another one.

193
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,900
Surely the vicar doesn't have one for
each foot.

194
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,240
Perhaps he gets them all round to give
them an estimate.

195
00:12:30,540 --> 00:12:33,240
I don't like it. Something funny going
on, something fishy.

196
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,300
The sooner we get down there, the
better.

197
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,880
Mark my words, trouble is on its way.

198
00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:49,670
Trouble's right. It's that airy camper.

199
00:12:51,550 --> 00:12:52,550
Look out.

200
00:12:53,810 --> 00:12:58,010
Here. Were you looking through them
binoculars at my wife's doings?

201
00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:00,490
Her doings?

202
00:13:00,750 --> 00:13:03,490
Yes. Her activities.

203
00:13:04,490 --> 00:13:06,530
Oh, no, monsieur.

204
00:13:07,070 --> 00:13:09,990
Je n 'en parle pas depuis.

205
00:13:12,550 --> 00:13:16,730
Nous mustons parler English.

206
00:13:17,150 --> 00:13:18,149
Please.

207
00:13:18,150 --> 00:13:19,270
Isn't that right, Chief?

208
00:13:19,510 --> 00:13:20,890
Oh, yes, sir.

209
00:13:21,930 --> 00:13:27,310
We must go, because...

210
00:13:27,310 --> 00:13:30,490
Yes, yes.

211
00:13:30,870 --> 00:13:32,510
Yes, yes. Yes, yes.

212
00:13:35,550 --> 00:13:36,550
Hello,

213
00:13:38,370 --> 00:13:39,370
sir.

214
00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:44,130
Jake? Yes, get somewhere round it.

215
00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:12,410
I swear that was a man dressed as a
woman.

216
00:14:12,950 --> 00:14:14,190
I reckon you usually are.

217
00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:15,670
Won't she?

218
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:53,880
what this is, Chief.

219
00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:55,740
It's a mine.

220
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,160
Listen.

221
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,000
Machinery.

222
00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:14,260
But why would they want to build a coal
mine underneath a church?

223
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,180
Who said anything about a coal mine?

224
00:15:16,820 --> 00:15:18,360
They mine other things as well.

225
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:20,220
Copper, tin. Shh.

226
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,600
Somebody's coming. Get in.

227
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,080
Where have you been, Hobson? You're
late.

228
00:15:43,460 --> 00:15:46,640
Her ladyship's been going mad on the
phone, wondering where everybody is.

229
00:15:47,460 --> 00:15:49,420
What kept you? My suspender, bro.

230
00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:52,220
God save us.

231
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:55,860
Well, look, get this lot up to the manor
as quick as you can. It's got to be

232
00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:57,620
shipped out with the onions tonight.

233
00:15:58,340 --> 00:15:59,340
Hobson, wait.

234
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:31,860
What are you doing here?

235
00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:39,080
Well, we... Well, we were following the
path from the village, you see.

236
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,000
Yes, sir. We're hikers. Yes, yes.

237
00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:42,580
I wonder if you could help us.

238
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,820
Which is the quickest way to the
graveyard?

239
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:46,480
Do you know something?

240
00:16:47,460 --> 00:16:49,080
I think you've found it.

241
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:54,780
What will happen to Piggy and Charlie?
Do the villains suspect anything? And if

242
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:57,160
so, will the district nurse give them
the full treatment?

243
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:02,210
Don't miss next week's final gripping
episode of Stop!

244
00:17:02,450 --> 00:17:03,990
You're killing me!

245
00:17:26,169 --> 00:17:29,830
217. Oh, dear, she's a bit of a madam,
she is. Yeah, look at that in there.

246
00:17:31,370 --> 00:17:32,370
Oh,

247
00:17:33,570 --> 00:17:34,890
dear, it's not like the old days.

248
00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:37,590
This really used to be a four -star
hotel once.

249
00:17:38,050 --> 00:17:39,050
Oh, dear.

250
00:17:45,370 --> 00:17:47,350
Stop picking any circles in here
tonight.

251
00:17:47,890 --> 00:17:48,890
What's this one here?

252
00:17:51,450 --> 00:17:52,450
Evening.

253
00:17:59,130 --> 00:18:02,210
This is one anchor, chief, and it ought
to be a minimum charge, you know. One

254
00:18:02,210 --> 00:18:04,450
anchor... Well,

255
00:18:06,790 --> 00:18:08,350
the chute's certainly working all right.

256
00:18:09,830 --> 00:18:12,570
Of course it is. It's a chute, isn't it?
That's why it's called a chute. You

257
00:18:12,570 --> 00:18:15,330
stick that on the top, it shoots down
the bottom. That's why it's called a

258
00:18:15,330 --> 00:18:18,130
chute, isn't it? Well, I realise that,
yes, but I'm just checking, you see. I

259
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,250
didn't want you to think I'd been flung
down in or anything like that.

260
00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:24,610
I'm the new assistant manager, by the
way, Mr Arkwright. Oh, are you? Johnson,

261
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:25,870
night laundry supervisor.

262
00:18:26,070 --> 00:18:27,070
Ah, correct.

263
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:33,520
That's all we needed. You're assistant
manager. Oh, blimey, call Arkwright.

264
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:40,880
Whatever next... Yes, it's

265
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,360
definitely working all right.

266
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:46,000
Is someone chucking you down there?

267
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:50,040
No, no, no, no. The carpet at the top's
a bit ruched. I'll have to have it

268
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,620
repaired. Who's chucking you down there?
The people in 107.

269
00:18:54,290 --> 00:18:56,430
They're having a bit of a party up
there. Oh, are they? Yeah.

270
00:18:56,630 --> 00:18:59,870
What are they doing up there? A bit
bronzed in this, are they? A bit legless

271
00:18:59,870 --> 00:19:00,869
there. Come again?

272
00:19:00,870 --> 00:19:02,090
Pie -eyed as a pudding, are they?

273
00:19:02,510 --> 00:19:05,810
Well, the grape is flowing a bit, yes, I
must be honest. They're a little bit

274
00:19:05,810 --> 00:19:08,250
merry, you know. Yeah, well, I wouldn't
stand for all that being chucked down

275
00:19:08,250 --> 00:19:09,250
the old chute and all that.

276
00:19:09,570 --> 00:19:11,230
No, no, I should go up there and talk to
them straight.

277
00:19:11,430 --> 00:19:15,050
Yes, but be firm but reasonable, see?
Firm but reasonable. That's right. Yes,

278
00:19:15,050 --> 00:19:16,050
should be that. Yeah.

279
00:19:16,210 --> 00:19:17,210
Dear, dear, dear.

280
00:19:17,830 --> 00:19:21,030
Where do they get them from? They must
have a useless Twitch training centre

281
00:19:21,030 --> 00:19:22,030
around here.

282
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:28,740
I was diplomatic but firm, you know what
I mean? Look, you go and tell them.

283
00:19:28,740 --> 00:19:30,720
Either they knock it on the head or out
they go.

284
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,240
Yes, I should. Right, that's the ticket.
Right, now you tell them that. But be

285
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:39,320
diplomatic. I will. Just say to them,
we're not running a hotel here for

286
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,320
and they're like to you.

287
00:19:40,620 --> 00:19:47,340
Explain to them... Explain to them that
whereas we realise they were guests,

288
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,040
they must consider the other guests. I
see. Did they come to a decision?

289
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,420
They did, yes. They decided to throw me
down the chute again.

290
00:19:54,250 --> 00:19:57,250
That's it, that's tacked up the
spouting, that's diplomacy out the

291
00:19:57,250 --> 00:20:01,370
it? You go in there with all guns
blazing, mate. I shall do that. The

292
00:20:01,370 --> 00:20:04,830
shall go in there with, as you say, all
guns blazing. That's right.

293
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:06,070
Right. Go on, then.

294
00:20:06,210 --> 00:20:07,390
Oh, behind the bags.

295
00:20:08,830 --> 00:20:09,830
What's this?

296
00:20:10,330 --> 00:20:14,030
218, what's he been up to? What's he
been... Oh, dear, he's a silly man, that

297
00:20:14,030 --> 00:20:16,270
218. Look, you can't wear this with
this, can you?

298
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,320
I'm getting through to them slowly.

299
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:27,840
Would you like to go up there and give
me some moral support?

300
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,260
All right, then. Go on, then.

301
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:30,840
Here, dear, you go first.

302
00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:33,340
Listen, I don't know why you want moral
support.

303
00:20:36,220 --> 00:20:36,540
I'm

304
00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:46,080
not

305
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:50,540
cut out to be an assistant manager.

306
00:20:52,330 --> 00:20:55,230
You seem a bit overloaded down here. May
I give you a hand? Certainly. Help

307
00:20:55,230 --> 00:20:56,330
yourself, Gladys. What do you have to
do?

308
00:21:01,850 --> 00:21:03,950
Ladies and gentlemen, the Nolan
business.

309
00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:20,510
You've either got or you haven't got

310
00:21:38,679 --> 00:21:39,860
And how

311
00:21:39,860 --> 00:21:46,780
it brought

312
00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:48,060
me applause.

313
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,840
not... Yes, Biffa McGee. That's right,
yes.

314
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:03,220
Well, fancy seeing you here in the
Adventurers' Club. What?

315
00:24:03,700 --> 00:24:07,520
Oh, God, it must be... How long has it
since I saw you? Must be... Oh, must be

316
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:08,479
longer than that, I think.

317
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:09,840
Tell me, Gherkin, old chap.

318
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,139
Pickles. What?

319
00:24:11,140 --> 00:24:13,340
Arthur Pickles. Oh, Pickles. I'm awfully
sorry.

320
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,280
Fancy calling you Gherkin when your
name's Pickles.

321
00:24:17,620 --> 00:24:19,380
Yes, you haven't changed a bit, you
know.

322
00:24:19,780 --> 00:24:22,140
No? No, no, apart from the long
trousers, of course.

323
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,620
Do you remember that awful accident you
had in 4B once?

324
00:24:25,940 --> 00:24:29,760
Well, I'm on my way. I didn't even know
you were a member of the Adventurous

325
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,520
Club. Well, I'm not really. I only
popped in for practice. Not a member?

326
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:34,480
Oh, yes, I'm a member.

327
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,180
Yes, I've just joined, actually. Good,

328
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:39,960
good, good.

329
00:24:40,420 --> 00:24:41,560
Welcome aboard, then.

330
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,420
Oh, it's a wonderful club, this, you
know. Wonderful.

331
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,720
Over 300 years old, you know, this club.

332
00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:49,000
Oh, you look in the book, all the names
are there.

333
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:54,240
Lawrence of Arabia, Scott of the
Antarctic, Edmund Hillary, Tony Hatch,

334
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,240
all in there.

335
00:24:57,930 --> 00:25:02,350
of impostors, you know. Oh, I can
believe that. Yes, people whose only

336
00:25:02,350 --> 00:25:07,310
is to catch the 745 in the King's Cross
each morning. I know the sort you mean.

337
00:25:07,590 --> 00:25:08,069
Yes, yes.

338
00:25:08,070 --> 00:25:11,910
But we weedle them out. Oh, we find
them, yes. You mark my words. Do you

339
00:25:11,910 --> 00:25:14,930
what we do with impostors? I can't
imagine, no. Peter?

340
00:25:15,570 --> 00:25:19,430
Oh, dear. Oh, that must be awfully
painful. Oh, it is, it is painful.

341
00:25:20,150 --> 00:25:21,450
But effective, of course.

342
00:25:21,930 --> 00:25:23,130
Tell me, what do you do, then?

343
00:25:23,550 --> 00:25:24,550
Who, me? Yes.

344
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,840
I mean, what are you, a white hunter or
an explorer or a mountaineer?

345
00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:29,760
No, I'm a stock control clerk.

346
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,820
Sorry, I didn't think I heard you great.
What did you say?

347
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:36,160
I'm an astronaut.

348
00:25:39,260 --> 00:25:41,880
Astronaut, yes. You know, for the minute
I thought you said a stock control

349
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:42,880
clerk.

350
00:25:44,620 --> 00:25:46,040
What are those?

351
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,620
You're rather short for an astronaut,
though, aren't you?

352
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:54,440
I mean, I thought they were all weird.
over six feet. Oh, no, they're not all

353
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:57,900
tall, you know. I mean, you remember the
first man on the moon? Oh, this is a

354
00:25:57,900 --> 00:26:00,180
giant step, et cetera, yes, yes. He was
only four foot six.

355
00:26:01,140 --> 00:26:03,060
That's why I complained about the size
of the step, you know.

356
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,560
Well, I need some more ammunition.

357
00:26:06,780 --> 00:26:09,600
Ted, save again, please, will you? And
bring one for my friend, would you?

358
00:26:10,100 --> 00:26:12,820
So where are you stationed, then? Cape
Canaveral? Houston?

359
00:26:13,180 --> 00:26:14,180
Well, where else?

360
00:26:14,700 --> 00:26:17,500
Could hardly be an astronaut and live in
Elm Tree Avenue Ealing, could I?

361
00:26:18,980 --> 00:26:22,160
Well, well. Elm Tree Avenue Ealing, just
by the lights there, opposite the cul

362
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:23,900
-de -sac, near the laundrette. Do you
know where you must go?

363
00:26:24,260 --> 00:26:25,260
Oh, give me a break.

364
00:26:26,060 --> 00:26:27,060
Thank you.

365
00:26:27,220 --> 00:26:28,400
Cheers. Cheers, cheers.

366
00:26:28,900 --> 00:26:30,780
Tell me, is that your Lamborghini in the
car park?

367
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,700
Which one? The one with the dropped
handlebars and the brown saddlebags?

368
00:26:36,380 --> 00:26:40,300
No, no, no. The cream -coloured job with
the smoked windows and the reclining

369
00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:44,260
seats. Oh, no, that's not my
Lamborghini, no. No, I never buy British

370
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:50,560
I pop around a little American job. Oh,
of course, I've seen it, yes. Dodge.

371
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:51,600
What? Why?

372
00:26:53,260 --> 00:26:54,320
You've got a Dodge car.

373
00:26:54,540 --> 00:26:55,640
Oh, yes, I have indeed.

374
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,420
So tell me, what have you been doing
recently?

375
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:02,960
Well, I'm... I'm a spy with MI5.

376
00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:03,979
A spy?

377
00:27:03,980 --> 00:27:09,060
No, you're actually a spy. I meant a
greengrocer. I'm a greengrocer, yes. A

378
00:27:09,060 --> 00:27:11,820
greengrocer? Yes, that's right, yes, a
greengrocer. A greengrocer? Mm -hmm.

379
00:27:12,629 --> 00:27:14,990
What's that bulge in your pocket? I beg
your pardon?

380
00:27:16,070 --> 00:27:19,570
Oh, that pocket. Oh, that is a nothing.

381
00:27:19,770 --> 00:27:20,469
That's a nothing.

382
00:27:20,470 --> 00:27:22,290
Have a luger. A lager. Have a luger.

383
00:27:23,330 --> 00:27:25,030
I think I know what you've got in that
pocket.

384
00:27:25,330 --> 00:27:28,190
Yes, you're absolutely right. Yes, I
have. Yes, I've got a banana in there.

385
00:27:28,950 --> 00:27:32,310
Being a greengrocer, I bring a little
something for the waitress every

386
00:27:32,510 --> 00:27:34,790
I've got a banana in this pocket here.

387
00:27:36,110 --> 00:27:40,110
I've got a rosy apple in that pocket
there. And I've got a beautiful pear in

388
00:27:40,110 --> 00:27:41,110
trouser pocket.

389
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:47,680
She's very fond of a banana, is she? Oh,
yes, well, well, if price is the way

390
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:50,680
they are, you know, in these hard times,
every little helps, doesn't it? Biffa?

391
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,660
Yes? You're not a greengrocer at all,
are you? You're an imposter, aren't you?

392
00:27:54,860 --> 00:27:55,860
You're a spy.

393
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,480
Well... You're a spy. I know you're a
spy. And that waitress, she's a spy as

394
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,260
well. You don't give her a banana every
Thursday at all, do you? Don't worry,

395
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:03,060
don't worry. Don't worry, I can't tell
the committee.

396
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:05,780
Wouldn't want them to, uh, not with a
man of your size, you know.

397
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:09,120
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
I must be dashing, Biffa.

398
00:28:10,220 --> 00:28:11,220
Don't worry.

399
00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:15,940
Who was that stranger, Mr. McGee?

400
00:28:16,300 --> 00:28:19,820
He was an old chum of mine, actually, a
school chum. He's done very well for

401
00:28:19,820 --> 00:28:21,500
himself. He's an astronaut, you know.

402
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:25,520
Never mind about him. I understand you
have something for me.

403
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,440
Yes. Put it into my handbag.

404
00:28:33,900 --> 00:28:37,200
And, uh, a couple of King Edwards for
Friday night.

405
00:28:40,270 --> 00:28:41,750
Have you got a nice pair for me?

406
00:28:42,050 --> 00:28:43,210
Have you got a nice pair for me?

407
00:28:53,850 --> 00:28:59,030
Here's a rather unusual story about a
chap who goes on his holidays to

408
00:28:59,030 --> 00:29:00,030
Portsmouth.

409
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:02,070
I told you it was unusual, didn't I?

410
00:29:02,590 --> 00:29:06,150
I actually wish that he'd gone to Monte
Carlo, you know, which would give this

411
00:29:06,150 --> 00:29:07,950
story the touch of class, you know.

412
00:29:08,380 --> 00:29:10,220
Because that's what this joke needs,
believe me.

413
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:16,240
Once again, this is not exactly a brand
new joke. It does need, you know, a bit

414
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:17,139
of something.

415
00:29:17,140 --> 00:29:21,740
No, I'll be honest, it is far from new.
In fact, when it was first discovered at

416
00:29:21,740 --> 00:29:27,800
the turn of the century, among some cave
drawings, it wasn't new even then.

417
00:29:28,420 --> 00:29:32,440
I don't know how many of you have seen
pictures of the grinning skull of the

418
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:36,300
Piltdown Man, you know, 20 million years
B .C.? Eh?

419
00:29:36,700 --> 00:29:37,639
You guessed it.

420
00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:39,100
This is the joke he was laughing at.

421
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:42,620
What a pity he can't be here tonight.

422
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:48,000
That is perhaps not exactly true, but
I've said that to satisfy, to be honest,

423
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:52,460
our producer, you know, who comes up to
me at the end of the show and said, that

424
00:29:52,460 --> 00:29:57,900
joke he said, that joke tonight, they'd
all heard it, he said, at the squash

425
00:29:57,900 --> 00:29:58,900
club.

426
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:03,320
He belongs to this squash club, you
know.

427
00:30:04,030 --> 00:30:06,750
Every Friday night, they club together
and buy a bottle of squash.

428
00:30:09,930 --> 00:30:13,810
You see, he worries about the viewing
figures, you know. And in case, by the

429
00:30:13,810 --> 00:30:18,150
way, you wondered how they compile the
viewing charts here at the BBC, they

430
00:30:18,150 --> 00:30:23,410
a team of highly skilled public
relations experts who go out every night

431
00:30:23,410 --> 00:30:24,450
look in people's windows.

432
00:30:25,910 --> 00:30:29,430
And if you're watching us, they make a
note of it, you see. If you're watching

433
00:30:29,430 --> 00:30:31,030
the other side, they knock on the door
and run away.

434
00:30:33,470 --> 00:30:37,090
All of which has nothing to do with the
chap who went to Portsmouth for his

435
00:30:37,090 --> 00:30:38,090
holidays.

436
00:30:38,130 --> 00:30:43,410
Which actually, because this reminds me
of a time years ago myself, when I was

437
00:30:43,410 --> 00:30:47,310
travelling down to Portsmouth, to be
honest, to take part in a very, very,

438
00:30:47,310 --> 00:30:49,470
ago, in a very, very cheap pantomime,
you know.

439
00:30:50,190 --> 00:30:51,230
Goldilocks and the Two Bears.

440
00:30:52,530 --> 00:30:53,950
Or was it Babe in the Wood?

441
00:30:55,670 --> 00:31:00,910
Well, it might have been Robin Hood and
his Merry Man. It doesn't matter. It

442
00:31:00,910 --> 00:31:01,739
doesn't matter.

443
00:31:01,740 --> 00:31:05,660
It mattered then, but it doesn't matter
now. So I got into this compartment all

444
00:31:05,660 --> 00:31:09,760
these years ago with three or four
sailors and a bishop, see? So we are

445
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:13,800
along, and I'm just sitting there, you
know, enjoying myself, and the sailors

446
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:16,280
are trying on one another's hats and
having a good time.

447
00:31:19,620 --> 00:31:23,820
And one of the sailors, a big petty
officer, you know, who was reading a

448
00:31:23,820 --> 00:31:27,420
newspaper, leaned across, and he touched
the bishop on the knee.

449
00:31:29,110 --> 00:31:31,430
Now, we had a hell of a job getting him
down from the luggage rack.

450
00:31:33,490 --> 00:31:36,870
Anyway, when we had settled down, he
said to the bishop, he said, what I was

451
00:31:36,870 --> 00:31:40,010
going to ask you, your great is, what is
gout?

452
00:31:40,570 --> 00:31:43,430
And the bishop said, well, he said, I'm
glad you asked me that, he said.

453
00:31:43,850 --> 00:31:46,770
I don't know why he said that, but
that's what he said. I'm glad you asked

454
00:31:46,770 --> 00:31:50,750
that. Goat, he said, my good man, is a
complaint you get from drinking too

455
00:31:50,770 --> 00:31:55,110
smoking too much, and going with
Portsmouth ladies like Lampost Lill and

456
00:31:55,110 --> 00:31:56,110
Hospital Hattie.

457
00:31:57,790 --> 00:31:59,330
That is the cause of goat.

458
00:31:59,930 --> 00:32:03,090
He said, why do you ask? Have you got
it? The sailor said, no, but it says in

459
00:32:03,090 --> 00:32:04,330
here that the Archbishop of Canterbury.

460
00:32:10,780 --> 00:32:13,620
Anyway, that's by the way, this chap is
still on holiday in Portsmouth.

461
00:32:14,420 --> 00:32:19,240
He strolls down to the pub one evening,
probably went into the Swinging Admiral

462
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:20,560
or something like that, my old local.

463
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:24,300
Very, very nice old pub actually, but
the landlady's a bit of a grasper. I

464
00:32:24,300 --> 00:32:27,780
remember the night we had a little
ceremony when she pushed a pile of

465
00:32:27,780 --> 00:32:30,320
you know, off the counter, straight into
the till.

466
00:32:32,340 --> 00:32:35,540
There's actually a very interesting
story about that pub. Apparently one

467
00:32:35,540 --> 00:32:40,820
Saturday night about closing time, a
police car, you know, loaded with bad

468
00:32:40,820 --> 00:32:45,580
and breathalyzers, pulled into the car
park, and all the locals were inside the

469
00:32:45,580 --> 00:32:49,780
pub, dancing about and shouting, you
know, have another one, and I love you,

470
00:32:49,780 --> 00:32:50,780
who am I?

471
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:56,000
But this man, this man staggered out of
the saloon bar.

472
00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:00,860
talking to his car keys, singing You'll
Never Walk Again.

473
00:33:02,620 --> 00:33:08,400
He tried his car keys and everything in
sight, including the gent's toilet and

474
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,380
a police car.

475
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:12,840
Hello, sailor!

476
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:18,060
Anyway, until he found his own car. He
fell into it and off he went. The police

477
00:33:18,060 --> 00:33:21,620
car caught up with him about three miles
away and one of the policemen said,

478
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:24,940
Would you mind getting out the car, sir,
with your driving licence, insurance

479
00:33:24,940 --> 00:33:27,080
certificate? The man said, certainly,
officer.

480
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:28,920
Here you are, he said, everything up to
date.

481
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:30,960
Might I ask why you have stopped me?

482
00:33:31,180 --> 00:33:34,400
And the policeman said, yes, just one or
two questions. So he said, may I ask

483
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:37,940
you what you do for a living? The man
said, yes, I'm a professional decoy.

484
00:33:45,220 --> 00:33:50,920
Back again to the chap who's on
holidays. Now, he comes out of this pub,

485
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:54,120
gets about halfway home when the thick
fog descends.

486
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:57,440
Luckily he had his walking stick with
him and he taps his way along until

487
00:33:57,440 --> 00:33:59,560
suddenly there's nothing. Nothing in
front of him.

488
00:34:00,100 --> 00:34:01,100
Nothing at the side.

489
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:02,820
And he says, oh goodness me, he said.

490
00:34:03,140 --> 00:34:04,140
Or words to that effect.

491
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,780
I must be standing on the edge of a
cliff, he thinks. The only thing to do

492
00:34:08,780 --> 00:34:12,060
stand very still until the fog lifts and
I can see where I am because I just

493
00:34:12,060 --> 00:34:15,800
daren't move. So there he stood without
a movement until the fog lifted in the

494
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:16,779
morning.

495
00:34:16,780 --> 00:34:19,239
He found he was standing in the middle
of a high street and the end had broken

496
00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:20,239
off his stick.

497
00:34:29,710 --> 00:34:30,989
Good morning, sir. Hmm.

498
00:34:31,650 --> 00:34:34,810
Oh, what a beautiful morning.

499
00:34:36,010 --> 00:34:37,510
Oh, good morning, sir.

500
00:34:37,929 --> 00:34:39,050
Customer, Mr. Green.

501
00:34:40,190 --> 00:34:41,190
Morning, sir.

502
00:34:41,429 --> 00:34:42,790
Just a trim? Faith.

503
00:34:43,449 --> 00:34:44,690
Green seems to have stopped?

504
00:34:44,969 --> 00:34:49,810
Yep. It ain't gonna rain no more, no
more. It ain't gonna rain no more.

505
00:34:50,550 --> 00:34:51,870
Good morning, sir.

506
00:34:52,489 --> 00:34:53,670
Customer, Mr. Brown.

507
00:34:54,610 --> 00:34:56,370
Good morning, sir. Good morning.

508
00:34:57,760 --> 00:34:59,260
Go back inside, sir, please.

509
00:34:59,500 --> 00:35:03,520
I thought so. I knew that the minute you
walked in the door. The minute you

510
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:04,680
walked in the door.

511
00:35:06,420 --> 00:35:08,100
Oh, good morning, sir.

512
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,180
Customer, Mr. White.

513
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:12,940
Good morning, sir.

514
00:35:13,620 --> 00:35:15,700
Good morning, sir, indeed.

515
00:35:16,340 --> 00:35:17,420
Anything on it, sir?

516
00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:19,880
Would you cut it first, please?
Certainly, sir.

517
00:35:24,220 --> 00:35:27,260
After I've cut it, sir, if I may ask...
I'd like to put on a little of this.

518
00:35:27,380 --> 00:35:29,340
It's very nice. It's called Moonlight.

519
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:32,480
Moonlight becomes you.

520
00:35:33,380 --> 00:35:35,100
It goes with your hair.

521
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:39,580
Would you get on with it, please? Yes,
certainly, sir, certainly.

522
00:35:40,180 --> 00:35:43,840
But I would like to use a little of
that, if I may, because it's very, very

523
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:45,360
nice, that moonlight, I can tell you.

524
00:35:46,660 --> 00:35:50,600
Oh, by the light. Oh, by the light.

525
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:54,400
Of the silvery moon. Of the silvery
moon.

526
00:35:56,010 --> 00:36:02,770
What a spoon to my honey, I'll prove
love to you.

527
00:36:03,490 --> 00:36:10,230
Honeymoon, honeymoon, honeymoon, keep it
shining in June and June.

528
00:36:10,370 --> 00:36:11,630
You're a silver...

529
00:36:26,380 --> 00:36:32,400
I love the silvery moon, silvery moon,
silvery moon. I want a spoon, spoon,

530
00:36:32,740 --> 00:36:39,040
spoon, spoon to my honey, I'll croon.
Love's to, love's to honeymoon,

531
00:36:39,660 --> 00:36:40,980
honeymoon, honeymoon.

532
00:36:41,500 --> 00:36:47,280
Keep on shining in June, shining in
June, shining in June. Your silvery

533
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:53,780
will bring love's dreams. We'll be
cuddling soon, so soon by the

534
00:36:53,780 --> 00:36:54,940
silvery moon.

535
00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:58,820
The moon, the moon by the silvery moon.

536
00:36:59,100 --> 00:37:02,660
The moon, the moon by the silvery moon.

537
00:37:33,740 --> 00:37:40,660
Smooth as a baby's round and thin. Used
by flies as a skating

538
00:37:40,660 --> 00:37:41,660
rink.

539
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:54,160
Now don't upset

540
00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:56,160
yourselves and don't feel rotten.

541
00:37:56,420 --> 00:37:58,960
Your hair is gone but not forgotten.

542
00:38:02,830 --> 00:38:05,130
There's some weights in the cupboard and
I don't know where I got them, but

543
00:38:05,130 --> 00:38:06,850
they're made of nylon mixed with cotton.

544
00:38:07,230 --> 00:38:08,290
Get away.

545
00:38:08,650 --> 00:38:09,649
Get away.

546
00:38:09,650 --> 00:38:10,650
It's a fact.

547
00:38:41,190 --> 00:38:47,610
You'll never ever ship them. You'll
never ever ship them.

548
00:39:09,450 --> 00:39:13,030
In case you scratch that gal that you
adore, that you adore.

549
00:39:13,430 --> 00:39:15,450
A shave is what's intended, sir.

550
00:39:15,670 --> 00:39:17,330
Makes you feel good inside.

551
00:39:17,650 --> 00:39:19,350
Makes you look good outside.

552
00:39:19,870 --> 00:39:21,370
Hold up your head right.

553
00:39:21,570 --> 00:39:23,390
This show is recommended, sir.

554
00:39:23,950 --> 00:39:27,830
Contains insecticide. Gives you sales,
but what for?

555
00:39:32,590 --> 00:39:36,630
I'm thinking tonight of my love.

556
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:42,560
Adrift on the deep, splashing foam.

557
00:39:42,860 --> 00:39:44,240
Slashing foam.

558
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:50,040
Sea sail away, each night I softly pray.

559
00:39:50,660 --> 00:39:57,560
The tide will bring my loved one safely
home, safely home. He

560
00:39:57,560 --> 00:40:03,940
said as we parted, don't cry Maggie
dear, I've left.

561
00:40:20,330 --> 00:40:21,330
There is hope.

562
00:40:21,410 --> 00:40:22,850
There is hope.

563
00:40:23,390 --> 00:40:30,150
So at night by the light of the pale
misty moon or at

564
00:40:30,150 --> 00:40:35,950
noon when the sun's razor sharp razor
sharp I

565
00:40:35,950 --> 00:40:42,450
watch from the shore till the day when
once more

566
00:40:42,450 --> 00:40:43,850
the tide

567
00:40:50,670 --> 00:40:57,430
Every night by the old firelight is
bowed on the

568
00:40:57,430 --> 00:40:58,430
shore.

569
00:41:56,500 --> 00:42:00,820
We don't care. Stick your hats on fair
and square. Then no one will know.

570
00:42:01,340 --> 00:42:02,340
Goodbye.

571
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:42,080
Well, that's all we have time for this
week. But before we go, the late news.

572
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:47,200
unhappy moment at King's Cross Station
tonight when a Scottish football fan

573
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:51,660
all his luggage moments after stepping
off the train. The cork fell out.

574
00:42:56,700 --> 00:43:01,700
And a car mounted the curb outside Mrs.
Mary Whitehouse's home this evening, so

575
00:43:01,700 --> 00:43:02,960
she threw a bucket of water over it.

576
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:10,600
Tasty -faced Bamber Gascoigne flew into
London Airport this morning complaining

577
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:14,620
of the effects of heavy airline food and
the complete lack of exercise on the

578
00:43:14,620 --> 00:43:15,379
long flight.

579
00:43:15,380 --> 00:43:19,980
His doctor later gave him a starter for
ten, which worked well just before 11

580
00:43:19,980 --> 00:43:20,980
.30.

581
00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:27,660
Next week, we shall be starting a new
series in which famous people are put in

582
00:43:27,660 --> 00:43:28,660
embarrassing situations.

583
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:31,860
The Archbishop of Canterbury will be
competing in It's a Knockout.

584
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:35,060
Kenneth Clark will introduce
multicolored swap shop.

585
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:37,880
And Reginald Bozenkett will read the
news.

586
00:43:41,620 --> 00:43:48,500
Until then, a good night from me. And a
good night from him.

587
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:49,520
Good night.